okay, NOW I've moved.

I've moved my blog to wordpress.

http://fireworkssparklerainbow.wordpress.com/

Please come and follow me there!! I love all of my online friends and the comments you all leave!

The Disease

like a disease
its taking over.
like a sheet of black
its covering my will to live.
any bump knocks me down
breathless from the fall
i begin to plan the end.
its a disease, i tell you.
or a monster.
i have no control over it.
meds only do so much.
but when i see that sheet of black coming my way,
i feel so weak.
my mind bends with it.
contorts and combines with it.
the dark ideas come to a light
and dont seem so dark in the present moment.

my world

my world, is entwined with yours.
my every thought, consumed by you.
my every ache, caused by the hole you've left.
everywhere i look, there's reference to "Dargle".
i have poems, haiku's, letters, journal entries all oozing with adoration for you.
you seem like a sweet dream that i've woken up from.
something i never really lived.
every song i hear, a lyric reminds me of you
of us.
of what once was.
and now the sweet feelings of that dream are gone.
scarred with what feels like a nightmare.
i feel trapped, hopeless, worthless.
unlovable.
i've created a monster.
and i can't go back.
so forward, i move, with my eyes half covered.
my head down.
watching my toes kick the rocks.

My Reflections

For the new year, I've decided to take some time to reflect.


Reflect on myself, as to where it is I'm headed.


Reflect on my past, where I've come from, how far I've come.


Reflect on my present, how I'm continuing on my rocky path but overcoming it.


Reflecting on my future. I have my eyes set on the prize, but I know I have things to do before I'm worthy of that prize.


BIG things are on the horizon. And LIFE will go on and on.


amen to that!

the last day of the year....

todays it.
the last day of 2011.
I'm both excited...
and sad.
The last year that dargle lived.
starting fresh can be a good thing.
but it can also be a scary thing.
your ground is still shaky because you haven't
had time to build on it yet.
i'm on shaky ground right now.
and it freaks the fuck out of me.

C'est la vie....

Carpe diem....

welcome, 2012...i hope you've got some love for me.

Friend or Foe?

We've all heard the saying "Friend or Foe", right? Well, I've had the "pleasure" of finding out truly who my FRIENDS are versus my FOES. 

With three suicide attempts, a brain tumor, depression, anxiety and all that fun shit, Jesus has worked with me personally to "weed out my garden". And what do I mean by that? Well, I mean JUST THAT. He helps me recognize the weeds in my life and He also does the weeding for me. He works in miraculous ways, I must say. So, with all those issues in my life, I have lost friends or given up on friends who just didn't support me or our friendship. As sad as it can be, heart wrenching at times, I just have to look at it with an attitude of "it just wasn't meant to be".

I think its sad that people will turn their backs on their "friends" because of a suicide attempt. I understand its a lot to handle, but don't you think that person needs love instead of banishment? I guess I just understand because I'm "one of those people". You know, a suicidal tendencies kind of gal. Sorry, but I've struggled with this for over a decade now. If you can't wrap your mind around it enough to understand that we need support, bye bye! 

I'm just so pissed off, hurt, whatever. All of the above and none at the same time. It hurts but I couldn't care less. I have to move on. I'm a fucking masochist. I enjoy watching my life either bloom or be demolished. Either extreme,

Look at me ranting and raving. I was just going to delete that paragraph, but I thought it'd be "fun" to scratch it out instead. Just so you can see where my mental ass brain goes. Back to the subject...

Now just because someone is not my friend doesn't mean they're my foe. But when "good" friends just turn their backs on you, you can't help but be pissed at them. Like I said earlier, this has happened to me a couple of times before. And it wasn't just because I tried to commit suicide, either. I lost a bunch of friends when I got really sick in the 9th grade. I was sick until almost the end of 10th grade. And again, friends turned their backs on me because I wasn't able to be my old self.

So, I say friends are very needed and loved but also very overrated. Sometimes they just add more hurt and pain to your life than happiness.

I'm am so very thankful to the friends who have stood by me through all of my struggles. You all truly are one in a million.

Thank You!!

Suicide Prevention...How do we prevent suicide?

Suicide Prevention...How do we prevent suicide?

Well, I'm no expert, I'll tell you that. But with being through 3 suicide attempts myself I feel that I probably have a good idea of what these people need.

Suicide is VERY OFTEN referred to as "trying to get attention". This is such an incorrect assumption. I know, for a fact, for me at least, that I did it to die. I wanted everyone to forget about me. I didn't want "attention". In fact, the very opposite. The very opposite, indeed.

I've learned from my last attempt that I do have a purpose in this world. And what better purpose than to help people who are in need of someone to talk to. And its not just talking to them. Showing a friendship, hope, love. Letting them feel a need to stay with us. I want to be that person that is available to them, 24/7. I don't care if its three in the morning. If you're having suicidal thoughts, I want you/them/whoever to call me.

Reach Out.